Should I stay or should I go now?
This question seems to be ‘haunting’ me since approximately two years. Like I already talked about in my first posts. I keep asking myself where I want to live since my exchange term in Vancouver. The next option then was Mexico, Peru, England and now India. Probably I’ll end up travelling for the rest of my live anyways but even the smallest decision as in where to stay the next couple months seems to be to much for me to answer.
At the moment I feel drained by my own inability to take a decision. What I know for sure: This space of nowhere in between to decisions is not the best place to be… You keep playing scenarios in your mind – What would be, if … this or, if … that? It gets to a highly annoying point, where you just loose energy.
However, in my case, even after I thought I had taken a decision of going to India, the whole universe seemed to be working against it. First, four or five people tried to talk me out of it – with really good arguments and being very caring and lovely – therefore, of course I was going to reconsider and rethink my decision everytime. It feels like I have played the scenario of whether to stay in India (during the Yoga training) or go back to Austria way too many times already. I decided to go back. Then being back I wasn’t happy either, so I wanted to come to India again. Therefore, after many headaches and doubts I decided to go back. Then (!!) as you read in my latest update, I went through with my plan of going to India and was on my way there, but didn’t take my Visa into consideration enough. So I couldn’t enter the country. My flight was gone, a lot of money lost and I feel lost now too. Was this a final sign of the universe to better stay in Vienna and make up my mind what I want in life? Am I floating around to much with no real plans and thats what life is showing me? Should I start giving back to life now, instead of just taking? Am I too self-centered, just considering what I want and forgetting everyone else who is involved in my life? I have so many questions and no answers (yet – hopefully).
This weekends weather in Vienna seems to perfectly display my state of mind and mood – it is raining all the time and the sky is grey in grey. In the Yoga lesson in the morning the music was so slow and melancholic, which made me write this down, otherwise I think I’d have imploded soon.
Why do we make it so hard for ourselves sometimes? I am well aware of the yogic/spiritual view on these things… I am the only one you knows the answer and with just listening to my heart and meditation, I will find out. Then, when I know I just have to go through with it and not look back. My doubtful, chattering mind just needs to be put aside and not payed to much attention to…
Anyhow, knowing is sometimes not enough. I am trying to do my best but sometimes everything just feels to much. Then what I really want to do is just roll up into a ball and hide under my blanket… or watch a tragic/romantic movie with a ton of unhealthy snacks and cry a bit… After all we are all just humans who are learning how to handle themselves, nobody is perfect and this is ok (at least thats opinion).
Anyhow, now I am alone with all the doubts, insecurities and questions I have, not knowing what I really want. Is it best to just apply for a Visa again and book another flight or reconsidering (again!) and taking this as an option to write my masters thesis and start some projects I am burning to do, building a life for me here in Vienna. Trying to gain more trust in myself and my abilities, standing on my own feet.
So many questions… and all would be so easy, if I could just trust and surrender… However, I know it will all be ok in the end.
Namaste & so much love,