In the end I decided to go back to Vienna and continue my studies once more.
At this point I had already studied for 2 years (the business education master at the university for business administration of Vienna) and was missing approximately one more year of an internship in a school (teaching practise) and writing my master thesis. From a logical point of view it was clear that you HAVE to continue your studies to get your certificate. Otherwise, you are “NOTHING” on the job market in Austria. Therefore, everybody I talked to back home told me that I have to finish it. Anyhow, this did not take into account my feelings, dreams, hope, personal interest/story, future plans etc. Rarely anybody really listened to my point of view or was able to take it into account when giving me a response to the question what I should do.
My flight back was on Wednesday the 15th of February and I went to school on the next day in the afternoon. The first two days in school went by very quick and I enjoyed both days very much. The teachers that were looking after us were amazing – they were highly motivated, innovative and open-minded. I was highly surprised as this didn’t match with my image of school at all. My time at business school was rather grey and miserable in my memory, as I didn’t enjoy it at all. I very much disguised the business topic – don’t ask me, why I chose to stay at this school type and then continued to study it… (I’ll probably write about this topic another day) Anyhow, these experiences didn’t match with my imagination at all. So I was happy with my decision and already excited for the next day at school on monday… if I would have known what was to come, I’d probably have thought otherwise.
I went back to school on monday, highly motivated for the first two lessons, where me and my partner (in crime) would accompany one of the good teachers again. Everything went well, until we met the third of our teachers…
She was one of the “horror” teachers at least in my opinion and feeling. Her lesson reminded me so much of my own horrible time at school that I felt tears coming up to my eyes, a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach. Furthermore, it was the subject I disliked most of all: accounting. While sitting in her lesson I had goosebumps coming on my back and I would have loved to jump up and run out of the school.
As you can imagine, I had to rethink my whole excitement about the following term and the whole year of studying that was lying in front of me. Anyhow, after coming home, I took a breath and told myself to not overreact and think rationally. I wanted to sleep over this experience and see what the next day would be like. On the next morning I had huge difficulties to even get myself out of bed, not to think about in the car and to the school. I somehow managed to do that, but then sitting in her lesson again, I couldn’t hold back my tears and started crying (IN THE SCHOOL). This has never ever happened to me before (not even during my time at school – which shows how connected to my emotions I was at that time). Well, I guess this explains my feelings about my studies and future ability to be a business teacher a little bit. My lovely colleague saw the current state I was in and sent me home immediately. I managed to get myself in the car and started sobbing deeply while sitting in the car. The weather outside perfectly displayed my inner state – it was raining heavily and the sky was grey in grey (typical february weather in Vienna). After calming down a bit, I drove home and went directly to bed. I slept for an hour and then talked to my mum. At some point during these two days I realized that this was just not my world anymore. I just couldn’t survive in this environment anymore…
Furthermore, I will probably never be a business teacher anyhow. This will never be my passion. And if it is not my passion I can’t be a good and motivated teacher. I want to be in something fully or not at all. I have experienced these half-hearted approaches for the last ten years during my whole school and university time. Now it is simply enough of that.
Therefore, I took the decision to finally drop my studies and go back to India. I will take another teacher training to deepen my knowledge and then hopefully start as a Yoga teacher.
This is where my heart lies and where I will be able to flourish, thrive and grow beyond myself. Then I will be able to fulfill my mission to spread my light and love all over the world.
On the one hand, I am full of hopes and dreams for the future. On the other hand, I have moments when I am deeply scared and concerned because all seems so uncertain… However, I will take this risk because otherwise I will never know.
I believe that, if you don’t take risks, you will never create something big for your future.
Namaste & so much love